We Need To Talk
“You’re not the same as you were before,” he said. You were much more… muchier… you’ve lost your muchness.” – Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.
Hello lovely reader, we need to talk. It’s apparent ( to me anyway ) that I have lost my spark, my creative joie de vivre. I’ve been on a self-deprecating spiral that has left me feeling, to put it mildly, shit about my work and doubtful to continue blogging, youtubing and Instagramming. I’ve been in the game a long time so it’s rather soul crushing to feel I haven’t progressed or ‘made it’. I have a bad case of comparisonitis! Everyone is doing better than me, bettter photography, better content, better blog, better channel, better Insta captions, better style. People who have just started YouTube and have tripple the subscribers and views, people with flourishing Instrgram followers and the swipe up option to boot! Meanwhile here’s me blood, sweat and tears blogging, youtubing, instagramming my backside off and my numbers have barely moved. Have I missed something? What am I not getting right? I am not the most tech savvy but $%&* me something has got to give! I’ve seen people making a living off their blog after only one year! What?! How?! Maybe I’m just stupid, maybe I need to go to bloggers university, perhaps I need a marketing degree? I haven’t a flipping clue because what the actual $£%&!
Be patient they said, these things take time, you need to build a communtiy, a trusted following. It won’t happen over night. It’s been nine sodding years! Maybe it’s my content, my blog, my writing isn’t up to scratch, I don’t know how to market myself, I don’t have printable To-do lists? Perhaps it’s just me? I have been thinking myself round in circles and I’m quite frankly exhausted!
On my quest for self-help I came across an interesting conversation on Marie Forleo’s website with Journalist and Author Elizaeth Gilbert ( she wrote Eat, Pray Love and Big Magic ) about the ‘shit sandwich’ idea;
“The idea is that every pursuit, no matter how glamorous it may seem, no matter how exciting you are… it feels to you, no matter how much you feel like you were born to do it, comes with a shit sandwich. And so the question is not, “What do I love?” The question is, “What do I love so much that I don’t mind eating the shit sandwich that comes along with that thing?”
Elizabethe describes her love for writing but not being published for seven years, coming home from working various different jobs to pay her bills to come home and write just to be met with another rejection letter. She asks herself “Do I still wanna do this? Because this shit sandwich sucks.”
The answer was yes she did. Even as the successful writer she is today there is still no end to the shit sandwhich; She may get a negative review in the newspaper or a hurtful comment on social media but does she love what she does enough to keep doing it? yes!
Elizabeth goes on to say;
“So if you go into this thing thinking, “If I follow my bliss and I live my dream and I stand in my truth, then everything will be great,” it doesn’t mean everything will be great. It just means at the end of the day when you check in with yourself and you go, “In the end, on the balance, is this still better than not doing it?” And the answer is still yeah, this thing is still better than not doing it, then you’re on the right path.”
This was a light bulb moment for me, there has always been this little voice in my head whispering ‘ Keep going, don’t give up’ and I kept batting it away, shouting ‘what’s the point I’m rubbish at it!’
Ultimately it comes down to believing in my self again. If I don’t believe in myself nobody else will.
Going forward I want to stop worrying about what I think my content looks like to others, letting go of the numbers and enjoy creating again. Sharing my knowledge of beauty and makeup in the best way I know how. Expressing myself through what I love to wear and not trying to fit in the the ‘norm’ or the popular or trying to be someone I’m not.
Lastly, I am taking the pressure off. I am not going to tick all the boxes but that doesn’t mean I am not good enough and that no one likes me. There is space for all of us.
All the best